


The Last Page

by JustKeepShipping1



Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies), bechloe - Fandom
Genre: Angst, F/F, bechloe - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-27
Updated: 2016-04-08
Packaged: 2018-05-29 11:47:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6373540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustKeepShipping1/pseuds/JustKeepShipping1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chloe finds herself torn between what she has, and what she wants.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It was late before Chloe had finally crawled into bed that night, worn out and exhausted after a long night of arguing with her husband. The day had started out so beautiful, outings with the children, seeing family for the holiday, but she couldn’t deny that what made it that much more special was the time she’d spent talking to Beca. She loved her husband, she did, and she adored her children. Loved them with every fiber of her being. They were her everything. But there was also Beca. 

A girl who had somehow snuck in to her heart and filled the empty places she didn’t even know existed. It had been years since she had looked forward to waking up in the morning just so that she could feel connected to another person. Too long since she had found herself smiling for no apparent reason. And it was maybe the first time that someone had made her feel whole. Complete. Beca had awakened something inside of her; desire. Desire like she had never known before and honestly, didn’t even known existed.

She lay there staring at the cold back of her husband, reaching out a hand to offer comfort, apology, reassurance? She wasn’t sure what she wanted to say, or even what she was feeling, so instead she let her hand fall in the space between them. Rolling over onto her back, she rested her hands over her eyes, closing them to think back on that evening’s events.A long sigh escaped her and she had to fight back the tears.

Tom had noticed the change in Chloe over the last month, though not sure what to attribute it to.It was only after a day of watching her look at her phone and smile in a way he hadn’t seen in many years, maybe ever, that it all seemed to click in his mind. He had confronted her about it late that evening, after the kids had gone to bed, and Chloe couldn’t bring herself to lie to him about what was going on. 

Chloe told him the truth, she hand’t meant for this to happen.For anything to happen, really.But it had. It had come so softly and silently at first, and before she knew it she was falling head over heels for someone else.Well, not just someone, Beca.The somewhat shy and extremely awkward ball of sarcasm had somehow, within the space of a few weeks, swept in like a gentle storm. Beca, in her calm and steady manner, had very easily washed away her facade of happiness, revealing the empty places she had so desperately tried to hide even from herself.

She knew Beca hadn’t intended for this to happen either.Who knew that hearing Beca singing one night would have compelled her to step out of her own comfort zone to offer encouragement and reassurance to the girl who had so little faith in her own talent? Chloe wasn’t sure what made her do it, other than the need to hear that voice again. She couldn’t bear the thought that this girl thought her voice was anything but soothing and magical. So she had reached out one night to just encourage and leave, but she found she couldn’t leave.There was something intangible that kept her coming back. 

It was just nice to have a friend, she told herself.Someone she could talk to with the same interests, same love of music.But there was something else.Something she couldn’t quite put her finger on, that had her reaching for the phone time and again.To share a laugh, a thought, a memory, a fear, a secret, a desire. Soon she was reaching for her phone for everything. Because that’s what Beca had become; her everything. 

Never before had she felt so loved. So understood. So **_seen_**. It was nothing short of magical the way they had connected so quickly and effortlessly on so many levels.Levels she didn’t even know she had. In ways she didn’t think were possible. There was something in the way that Beca loved her that made her feel strong and beautiful. Capable. Better. She was becoming something better, someone better.Someone she wanted to be and someone she needed to be.

Rolling over onto her side, she felt a lone tear slide down her cheek.She hadn’t even realized she had been crying.Chloe lay there and just looked at her phone on the nightstand.Not a few hours ago she would have looked at that phone and smiled.Felt her whole body relax as though it were being embraced.Now she looks at it and pain shoots through her chest. 

She wants nothing more than to reach out her hand, take the phone, and type out a quick message to the woman she knows is waiting on the other end. But what does that mean? What does that mean for her and Tom? For the children? So she doesn’t reach out this time, but instead lays there and lets the tears fall freely. 

Why can’t she have both? Why can’t she just look into the crystal ball and find all her answers? Why can’t she just skip to the end of the book and read the last page?


	2. Chapter 2

Beca reached for her phone for what felt like the hundredth time that night—though in all actuality it was probably only the twentieth, but who’s counting. Hitting the home button she held her breath, hoping and praying to see Chloe’s name on the screen. She couldn’t help the sigh that left her when seeing that the screen was blank, yet again.Well not blank, really, for staring back at her was the beautiful face of the woman she had so recently, and so quickly, fallen in love with.

Her eyes scanned the face smiling back at her, memorizing every color, every freckle, every beautiful curve, until the screen timed out and went blank. Darkness. That’s what it felt like, this not knowing. She hit the button again and opened her phone to reread the last messages exchanged between the two:

Chloe: Wait for me.

Beca: Always

The words didn’t need reading again, for they had been burned into her brain, but that didn’t stop her from reading them one last time before clicking the phone off and setting it down. To be honest, part of her was relieved that she hadn’t heard anything.What if the next thing Chloe sent was her saying that they couldn’t talk anymore, that she and Tom chose to work things out, that this was goodbye?

Beca cursed herself for even fearing this.If that’s what Chloe wanted then that is what Beca wanted for her, right? She loved Chloe, more than anyone she had ever loved in her life, and she wanted her to be happy.If that mean that she lost then—lost? This wasn’t a competition. This was Chloe’s heart. 

Her breath came out in a long sigh as she ran her hands through her hair before closing her eyes and resting her forehead in her palms. This was going to be a long night. She knew that Tom had confronted Chloe about her but what all that conversation would involve and how it would all play out was a mystery. Hell, she didn’t even know what _she_ wanted to happen, let alone what Chloe wanted. 

All she knew was that as difficult as it was to sit here in the dark, Chloe was having the real struggle. She couldn’t imagine what was running through her mind right now.The fear, the hurt, the anger, the regret.God, she wished she could just make this all go away for Chloe. Wished she could shield her from all of this. Wished she had the perfect solution. But this wasn’t her battle. 

Though that didn’t stop the guilt she felt. The responsibility she felt for allowing this to ever happen and ultimately casting Chloe right into the front this battle. If she had just stayed away, ignored those invisible strings that seemed to pull her toward the beautiful woman. But she hadn’t. She kept telling herself that she could handle it, that she wouldn’t let it get that far.She was a fool. 

How could anyone know this woman and _not_ fall in love with her? Chloe was just so pure, so good that a person couldn’t help but be drawn to her. It was impossible to resist that laugh that sent shivers down her back. Or that soft way about her that so innocently asked questions Beca would normally balk at but instead had her telling Chloe things she had never told another living soul. And where she would find most people taking advantage of her vulnerability, Chloe would smile that beautiful smile and say the most perfect things to have Beca’s ice-cold exterior melting into a puddle at the other girl’s feet.

It was unexpected, really, this love. Beca hadn’t been looking for it, or even wanting it for that matter. But there it was. Stronger than anything she had ever known or ever thought she could know. Chloe hadn’t just scaled the walls Beca had so resolutely erected, but she had, brick by brick, worked to take them down and plant in their wake a beautiful garden of flowers. Never before had anyone penetrated this far and certainly never before had Beca _wanted_ them to as she had with Chloe.

No, this was a love Beca wouldn’t run away from.Couldn’t run away from.She would stay, in whatever capacity Chloe needed, she would stay. She picked up the phone, yet again, opening it to the messages she had memorized long before.

Chloe: Wait for me.

Beca: Always


	3. Chapter 3

It wasn’t six hours ago that Beca had woken early to texts from Chloe. The conversation had been filled with love and support, updates and honesty, and it had left Beca with a sense of hope.  For the first time in the last 48 hours, she felt hope.  Chloe had told her that she and Tom were splitting, though the plans were tentative, and that she still wanted to be in Beca’s life. Still wanted to be hers. That’s all Beca really needed to hear.

She had spent the day on cloud nine.  For the first time she let herself talk about it. Talk about Chloe. Finally ready to breathe easier, though still not easy. She found herself doodling.  Beca does _not_ doodle.  But there she was, drawing a picture of Chloe holding her children close while she stood over them with an umbrella, shielding them from the storm.  That’s how she felt.  That’s what she wanted to do.  Protect them, shield them.  She even created a playlist of the songs she would hear that made her think about not only their love, but the struggles Chloe was going through.

And then it happened.

The message started out fine. Cautious, hurting, but still loving. Then came the anvil. She and Tom had talked, really talked. He said all the right things, let her say all the things she’d been longing to say, and then told her he wanted to make it work. On the one hand Beca was glad that Chloe was able to speak freely and honestly with her husband.  Glad that they finally talked about the issues. But the other part of her broke.  Broke into a thousand tiny pieces. Some pieces she wasn’t sure she would ever be able to find again.

True to her word though, she supported Chloe’s relationship with her husband.  Supported their decision.  She wouldn’t stand in the way of Chloe’s happiness. She couldn’t. But that didn’t stop the pain. A pain deeper than she had ever known. Keeping her word didn’t stop the hot tears rolling down her face against her permission.  At least Chloe couldn’t see her cry.  Couldn’t see her like this. She could be strong behind the screen of a phone.  Could say all the right things. Could hide the pain.

Suddenly Chloe was fighting to keep Beca holding on just that much longer.  Needing to keep Beca close for a while, not ready to let her go just yet.  But Beca wasn’t sure she could do that.  Wasn’t sure she’d survive that.  Being there for someone going through a tough time is one thing, but staying there to help the other person get over them was too much.  Tom wouldn’t let them be friends, there was no way. Not after this. But that seemed to be what Chloe needed. What she was begging for. Just a little more time.

Time for what, though? Time to get over her? Time to come to terms with having to say goodbye? Beca just sat there staring at her phone, struggling with how to answer. Not sure what she had left to give. And then she realized, it didn’t matter. She would give whatever she had left.  Whatever Chloe needed. Because that’s how much she loved her.  Loves her. So she typed out the only thing she felt strong enough to say, “ok.”  It wasn’t okay, though.  Nothing was okay.  It felt like it never would be again. 

Beca knew Chloe was crying.  She couldn’t see it.  Couldn’t hear it. But she _felt_ it. At this point there wasn’t anything Beca _didn’t_ feel when it came to Chloe. One week.  That’s what she’d asked for. One week to figure out what she wanted and what she needed. Beca wanted to scream at the top of her lungs that **_she_** was what Chloe needed. **_They_** were what Chloe needed. But maybe it wasn’t.  Maybe that’s just what Beca needed.  So instead she wiped the tears from her eyes, despite the fact she knew there were so many more to follow, squared her shoulders and went back to work hoping that it would take her mind off of all of this.


	4. Chapter 4

Chloe sat there, her legs curled up to her chest, as the kids played with their new toys and watched tv. Normally she wasn’t one for a lot of tv but these last few days had been hard. And it was moments like this where she was able to let her mind wander through the events of the last three days. Not that she wanted to think about it. In fact, she didn’t want to think about anything. She just wanted to sleep. It was in sleep that she felt relief, taken away from the responsibilities and pain.  
  
Just then one of the kids turned to show her something they had done and she smiled as brightly as she could and praised their creation. This right here is why she wasn’t sleeping through it all. Why she got up every morning. The reason she forced herself to eat, to move, to breathe. If it weren’t for them she isn’t sure where she would be.   
  
That wasn’t true. She had thought many times how, if she didn't have the children, she would have left Tom without looking back. Walked right into the arms of the love of her life. For that's what Beca was, there was no denying it anymore. Chloe never believed in soulmates, thinking it only a fairytale, until she met Beca. There was something intangible there that was undeniable, undefinable. Though if she had to define it, the closest thing she could think to call it was destiny. Beca was her destiny. What everything in her life had led up to. A sense of purpose for the madness that had been her journey thus far.  
  
But she couldn't just follow this destiny off into the night. She had the children. There was nothing she wouldn't do for her children. And right now that included giving Tom the chance he felt he needed to win back her love. What he didn't seem to understand, no matter how much she tried to explain, was that it had nothing to do with falling out of love with him because she now realized she had never really been in love with him.   
  
She loved him, yes. He had been her best friend for almost half her life. They'd been partners. Lovers. Parents. A team. But there was never that burning desire to consume and be consumed by him like there was with Beca. Never that heart wrenching ache that gripped her soul and felt like it was squeezing the life out of her because of a few hours of not being able to reach out and say "I love you" like there was with Beca.   
  
No, this wasn't about who she loved more. Who she wanted more. There was no comparing the two. They were separate and equally strong loves that she had for both of them. It was just a different type of love. She didn't regret her life with Tom, never regretted the precious gifts they created as a result of their life together, and wouldn't take back anything.   
  
But Beca helped her realized that there was more. That she could have more. That she deserved more. Beca made her see that fairytale love wasn't just a fairytale. It was real, attainable. And it was waiting for her. Waiting in the arms of a woman who had opened her eyes and heart and breathed life back into her soul.

The thought of losing this love hurt her so deeply that it was as though crying wasn’t enough. It felt like there had to be something more, something deeper, that her body needed to do to expel this pain. What was worse was the fact that the person she needed most to help her get through this was the one person she couldn’t turn to. Not really. 

There was going to be a time where she had to put it away for good so she could give her full attention to Tom and their relationship.  She felt that giving Tom the chance to see that what they had wasn’t what they needed, was the best way to break.  No one really knew what was going to happen though.  Maybe they wouldn’t break.  Maybe there would be some revelation that opened both their eyes and solved all their problems. 

But she knew, deep down inside, that it wasn’t possible.  Whether it was Beca, or just herself, it didn’t matter, for she now knew why she was not really truly happy. This would happen again. It was inevitable.  There was no going back to what she had after knowing what she could have.  So she asked Beca to wait. To give her just a little bit more time to sort it all out.  She told her it was okay if she didn’t wait. Couldn’t wait.  But that she loved her with all of her heart and hoped that someday they might be together.

Only time would tell. She felt her whole body sigh. If only she could just read the last page.


	5. Chapter 5

_Beca: Are you in bed?_

_Chloe: No, but I can be soon!_

_Beca: No rush, I just felt like cuddling_

_Chloe: YOU felt like cuddling?!?_

_Beca: With you, yes :)_

_Chloe: Sign me up!_

_Beca: I just like the idea of you cuddled up to my side, hand on my chest and mine resting over yours while you lay your head on my shoulder_

_Beca: I want to wrap my arm around you and run my fingers up and down your arm and over your shoulder till you get drowsy_

_Chloe: Mmmmmm, I like that.I can feel your heartbeat.Solid and strong, like you.It makes me feel safe.Your touch reminding me that you’re not going anywhere.I can fall asleep and you’ll still be there when I wake up._

_Beca: I would hold you all night long… Even after drifting off myself I know I’d still have to be touching you. Holding your hand or resting mine on your hip.If you lay behind me I’d reach around to wrap an arm around you and keep you close._

_Chloe: We’d find a way to stay touching all night.Even in sleep, we’d seek each other out._

_Beca: Every time I’d wake I’d place the softest kisses on your face, your neck, your shoulders…_

_Beca: Not to wake you, just to feel you’re real beneath my lips_

_Chloe: That’s the most romantic thing anyone has said to me._

 

“Beca? **Beca**?!” 

The sound of her name accompanied by a hand shaking her leg pulled her out of her revere. She looked up at the source of the distraction, shaking her head a bit to clear the memories, “Hmm? Yeah, sorry, what were you saying?”

Her friend eyed her suspiciously, “Okay Bexie, spill. What’s gotten into you lately?”

Beca rolled her eyes at the nickname, and if it had been anyone else should would have throttled them on the spot, or at least threatened their lives. “What do you mean?”

“Don’t even try to play that game, Bexie. Even my baby can tell you’ve been weird!” she placed her hand on her burgeoning belly and raised an eyebrow. “One minute you’re on cloud nine, waltzing around like you don’t have a care in the world and now you look like someone punched you in the gut and stole all your sunshine!”

She couldn’t help the lopsided grin that pulled at her lips. “Well for starters, Stace, I don’t think your baby is wondering anything except why in the world you are about to drink a cup full of honey and lime juice,” she grimaced as she indicated the cup Stacie was currently filling with honey.

“My throat hurts and this helps!” she defended.

“Mhmm, but that doesn’t mean it’s not disgusting on multiple levels,” Beca chuckled.

“You just worry about you! And don’t think for a second I am going to let you get away with your little deflection tactic, missy!” she glared at Beca, wagging a limp slice of lime in her direction.

“I am sure I have no idea what you’re talking about,” she answered, attempting a look of ignorance.

Stacie’s voice got softer and she reached out to place her hand on Beca’s knee, “I’m serious, Becs. What’s going on? You know I worry about you.”

Beca couldn’t help the sigh that left her body, dragging her shoulders down with it. She looked down to fumble with the phone in her hands so as to avoid Stacie’s concerned gaze. It was so much easier to just pretend nothing was wrong. That nothing was happening.She was good at that. Too good at that. 

“It’s nothing,” she waved her hand dismissively and squared her shoulders a bit before turning back to look at her friend, a half-hearted smile in place, “I’m fine. Just had a lot going on at once is all.”

“Is this about that Chloe girl you’ve been talking to? The one halfway across the country?” Stacie asked, completely oblivious to the butterflies and hail storm that hearing Chloe’s name created in her chest.

She searched her friend’s eyes for a moment, uncertain of what to say or how to answer that. No one would understand. No one _could_ understand. _She_ didn’t even understand, so how could they? “It’s complicated,” she answered, deciding to go with short and simple, hoping Stacie would just drop it. 

But of course, Stacie does not just drop things. “Honey, _life_ is complicated. Love is much more than complicated.”

“Love?” she sat up a bit straighter. “Who said anything about love?”

“You did,” she answered simply.

“Me?” Beca tried to rack her brain and remember ever mentioning her feelings to anyone and failing to recall ever doing so. “When did I say that?”

“Just now. Your face said it. Hell, your whole body says it!” she exclaimed, gesturing at Beca’s slumped frame on the couch.

Beca looked her friend in amazement, “You’re scary, you know that?”

A look of smug satisfaction spread across Stacie’s face as she leaned back against the couch, “You’re not the first person to tell me that, and I am certain you won’t be the last. Now, tell Stacie everything. Wasn’t she married with kids?”

The openness, genuine concern and lack of judgment she saw in her friend’s eyes seemed to be the key to open the floodgates for Beca and she found herself telling their story. How they’d met online. How Beca had posted a video of herself singing a song she had written. How Chloe had sought her out to speak words of encouragement about her talent.A talent Beca didn’t have much faith in. And how they had quickly bonded over their love of music, among many other things.

She explained how easy it was for the other to talk to and how they found themselves sharing things they had never expressed to anyone else. That Beca being an out lesbian had given Chloe a chance to seek advice and help with questions about her own sexuality. Questions she had never had the strength or courage to voice in their entirety before. How all of these many things had brought them closer on so many levels.

The way they really listened to and supported one another in ways they had yet to find in others. Sure they had friends and loved ones that were there for them but sometimes it takes a connection with a stranger to give you the courage to voice things you might not otherwise tell someone you know for fear of judgment or rejection. How their unflinching and unending support of one another had built them up in ways they didn’t know were possible.

She told of how neither of them had expected this. Wanted this. But how they had needed it. How their connection and love had seemed inevitable. A force beyond their control. They knew it sounded crazy but there was just no denying that feeling that everything that had happened in their life had lead them to this moment. This person. This love.

And sure, they had never met in person. Never looked into the other’s eyes but in photos, someone else’s memories. Had never felt the warm embrace of their arms. The gentle caress of their fingertips against soft skin. The breath of the other upon their neck. The taste of their kiss. But never had they felt so loved. So alive. So safe. So known. So seen. So touched.

The things they shared that had only ever been between the two of them. Things no one else would ever see or ever know. Secrets. Desires. Fears. Moments in time that would live with them for eternity. They had grown as individuals because of the other’s love and support.They were changed.Changed for the better.Changed forever.

They had seen something that could not be unseen. Felt things that could not be erased.Shared things that could never be forgotten. They had lived a lifetime in the blink of an eye. And in another blink of an eye it was gone. Ripped from their hands by reality. It was as though the wind had been knocked completely out of them. But even as they fell to their knees from the weight of it all, their instinct had been to look to each other. To reach out their hands to close the distance.

And though life had swooped down to scoop Chloe away, pulling them apart despite their best attempts to cling to the fingers slipping through their grasps, they couldn’t bring themselves to say goodbye. That in the moments they were being pulled away into the dense fog of the unknown, they refused to say goodbye, but instead continued to reach out their hands into the darkness and whisper to each other that this was only a pause.

“Jesus, Becs,” Stacie said when Beca had finished, wiping a tear from her eye, “I don’t even know what to say.”

Beca just looked down at her hands again, not really sure what to say, “Yeah.”

“So what are you going to do?” she asked in quiet concern.

“What can I do?” Beca shrugged. “We said our peace, told each other we loved each other. She said she understood if I couldn’t wait. I asked her if there was any hope for us, any at all, and she said she believed so. She wanted there to be. So I guess I will wait.”

“For how long?” and this was the million dollar question Beca had been asking herself for the last week.

“As long as I can,” she sighed. She knew that didn’t really answer the question but it was the best answer she had to give. The most honest answer. 

She felt a hand on her arm and couldn’t help but wish it were Chloe’s hand reaching out, “Honey, I am so sorry. How are you feeling?”

“Numb,” she answered simply. It was true. No matter how she wanted to feel and hold onto that warm embrace of hope, she just couldn’t cling to it without allowing the other negative things to touch her. And she wasn’t sure she could survive that. “I am more concerned with how _she_ feels. What _she’s_ thinking. I know she had that counseling session today and it’s really all I’ve been able to think about. What if everything just kind of turned around in these last few days of not speaking? What if she finds she can’t listen to her heart? What if not having me there is erasing me from her memory, ya know? What if the session just opened up a ‘fix-all’ scenario that she feels compelled to take? What if? Just… what if.”

“It would hurt but you would find someone else,” comforted Stacie.

“That’s not the point though. Sure, fine, I find someone else. Whatever. I don’t care. That’s not what this is about. It’s about the fact that I love this woman and I want what’s best for her. What’s right. And Tom isn’t it. She knows it, I know it, everyone knows it. And I can’t bear the idea of her settling. It destroys me. And I told her that even if we never happened, I just wanted her to have the courage and strength do to what she knows she needs to. What she’s known to be right for a while now, even before me,” Beca explained passionately, hoping that somehow her saying it to Stacie would miraculously make it heard by Chloe. 

They fell silent for a moment, each one lost in their own thoughts, before Stacie pointed to a stack of papers on the coffee table, “What’s that?”

“Our story,” she smiled softly.

“You wrote an entire book already?” exclaimed Stacie, her eyebrows shooting up in surprise and disbelief.

“No,” Beca chuckled, “I actually bought this program that allowed me to download all of our messages into pdf files so that I could have ‘our story’ to look back on and so, if she does come back, then she can have it too. When all this hit the fan she wasn’t able to keep any of the messages or anything so I want her to be able to live it all over again if she ever wants to.”

Stacie just looked at her for a moment, eyes filling with unshed tears, “You really are a romantic sap, you know that, Bexie?”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter just around the corner
> 
> My heart's a stereo  
> It beats for you, so listen close  
> Hear my thoughts in every note  
> Make me your radio  
> And turn me up when you feel low  
> This melody was meant for you  
> Just sing along to my stereo

It had been only a few days since Chloe had said “pause” to Beca. It had only been a few nights, a few sunrises, but it felt like an eternity. Saying goodbye that night, although hoping it wasn’t really goodbye, had been one of the hardest things she had ever had to do. She could remember it as though she had just now lain down the phone. Remembered the crack in her voice as she tried to keep the tears at bay. The way Beca’s voice sounded so hurt but yet, so strong as she promised that everything would be okay.

This silence was so hard. Beca had become her rock. Her pillar. Her light in the darkness. But now, there was just darkness. She really thought she could do this. Push this love aside to focus on her husband and their marriage. Everything she was doing was for her children. That’s what she kept telling herself.She needed to remain strong, for the children.She needed to stay, for the children.She needed to push Beca away, for the children.

But what about herself? She could no longer deny the intense and unrelenting pull that Beca had on her heart. Never before had she had such strong, unyielding yearning for another human being. It was as though she had lost a part of her body. As if someone had reached inside and removed a part of her heart. Leaving behind just an empty ache. It was a wonder it was still beating.

But beat it did. For her children. Chloe couldn’t, and wouldn’t, allow herself to get lost to this sadness, this emptiness. Her children needed her to be present. To be the mom they had always known.She didn’t want them to notice anything was different, wrong. But Tom was making that increasingly difficult.All he seemed to want to do was wallow. Wallow in his self-pity, massage his ego, lick his wounds.

Now Chloe was not heartless. Not at all. She hated that she had hurt her husband. Hated that he was in any pain. But what she couldn’t understand was his inability to focus on the children. Their needs. He didn’t seem to care about the fact that his wallowing was not going completely unnoticed. Did he have a right to feel? Yes. Did he have a right to hurt? Of course. But there is a time and place for everything and in front of the children was not that.

One of the hardest parts in trying to understand “where to from here” was Tom’s fluctuating moods and reactions. One minute he was acting as though nothing was wrong, going out of his way to try and win back her love, “be the man she needs”. And the next minute he was a whirlwind of anger, accusations and spouting his need for separation. It was as though she was on a tilt-a-whirl with no end in site. 

Every day, every part of the day for that matter, was its own battle. Never knowing from one minute to the next which of her husband's emotions she was going to face was beginning to take its toll. But no sooner would she think this then the guilt would set in. It would snake its way right inside of her chest and sink in her gut, whispering all of the horrible things guilt likes to pile on. 

She did this. This was her fault. She deserves whatever he's saying. All the accusations. The anger. She was the one who caused all this pain for so many people. Upending lives. But just when she felt the guilt was moments away from taking complete control over her, she would hear this soft voice coming from somewhere within. Faint, distant, but there. 

It would tell her she wasn't causing everyone pain. That there were only a few who were hurting, her among them. It would tell her that the kids were okay, that everyone loved her and supported her. Let her know that of the three people in this triangle, she was being built up and supported by one of them. She would hear again all the promises to wait, of wanting to wait. Of being there no matter the outcome. And the voice would grow louder. 

Reminding her that she wasn't the only one at fault in her unhappy marriage. That although she may not have chosen the best path to discovery, that neither party was without fault for their marital discontentment. It would recite all of the words of encouragement and strength that had brought her to the place of enlightenment where she had found love and acceptance, reassurance and safety. The voice would wrap around her heart and start it pumping once more. 

She could do this. She could make it through whatever happened. Whatever came next. She was strong enough. Beca had helped her find that strength. Beca was that strength. Though Beca would tell her that the strength and been within her the whole time. She smiled at the thought, imagining exactly what the younger girl's voice would sound like when she said it. The way "baby girl" rolled off her tongue, past soft lips and straight into Chloe's soul. 

Yes, she'd recognize that voice anywhere. And if she closed her eyes and really listened, she would know that it was the same voice that was inside of her whispering encouragement. Telling her it was all going to be okay. Somehow, everyone and everything would be okay in the end. And she believed it. She believed that in the end, all really would be okay. Even if she didn't know how or what the end looked like, didn't know what that last page said, she was strong enough to make it. 


End file.
